State of the Rod address

A blogger said in a recent post “no one is going to feel sorry for you except for maybe your mom, so you might as well suck it up.” but seeing as though writing is my therapy and blogging my tool for writing, I warn you in advanced that I am looking not looking for your sympathy. This is merely a post to help my friends and family get a better idea of what is going on in my life…feel free to stop reading if this does not interest you. Go ahead, you won’t hurt my feelings… I promise.

Over the course of the last couple of months I have pretty much destroyed the lives of my fiance, daugher, son, mom, dad, future mother-in-law, etc., etc. by chasing my dreams and now reality has taken over and sent me spinning. I have also worsened our situation by waiting in faith for a job position that has failed to produce any income. Many of you know I was hired in June by a local non-profit who received a grant to begin his operations. He was scheduled to receive those funds in August, but here we sit seven months later and the funding still has not materialized. In that time, I should have found something ANYTHING that would have given me some kind of income, but every time I considered applying for a position, we would get word that the money was at most two weeks out. It shouldn’t have stopped me from applying, and with hindsight being what it is, I now know  that. But nonetheless I did it anyway hoping that the next time would be for real. Now my lack of responsibility has finally gotten to a point where I am in over my head.

Twice in the last month, my rent check has come back due to lack of funds, we have not been able to pay our phone bills and they have been disconnected for good as of January 13th and I will have to pay the outstanding balance of over $400 (three months worth) before I can reapply for new service and hope that I can retain my numbers. We have not paid our PG & E bill in two months, and only thanks to my mother-in-law are we able to keep my fiance’s engagement and wedding rings that I only had one more payment on in August, but could not make. I have even turned into a dead-beat dad as I have watched my back child support rise to almost $2000.

Three months ago I swallowed my pride and began receive food stamps and cash aid, but anyone who has ever been on that program knows that the amount of cash aid is never enough to cover all of your expenses, it’s not meant to work that way. I entered these programs under the false assumption that I would only need one month or at most two, of help until I was able to start working my job by the beginning of December, which was one of the false alarms for the release of funds. I am thankful for the fact that my daughter and fiance do not have to starve thanks to the food stamps, but the lack of income has made even the littlest of needs on top of food feel overwhelming.

But while all this was crashing down around me, I kept a strong face for all of you, and for me, one which I can no longer keep. The immense pressure I have brought upon myself has swallowed me whole. I was hoping that if I could prove that I was motivated and dedicated to my cause, things would work out, and so far that is not the case. All I have done so far is put me and my family farther in debt and strained every relationship I have with them due to our neediness.

So with that I am announcing the temporary suspension of my online presence. I do not feel it is right to continue to “play” on the computer while my house needs repairs, needs to have the rent paid, and would like to run the heat when it is cold with the assurance that we can pay the bill. I am sorry to anyone that may actually be affected by this, I would be presumptuous to even think that this matters to the majority of you, but to those who are proven and loyal readers and have helped my out in my journey, I say a deep heart-felt thank you… your friendship has helped me find hope in my vision and kept me going on some of the rougher days.

I will continue my commitment to Podcast Stockton though, Matt has been a true friend and the show is something I would be even more of an idiot to walk away from. But just know that for the time being, I will be missing on all the social media outlets I frequent and after the last punctuation mark in this post, this site will fall silent.

Again, I want to thank you all for making this fun despite my situation and I look forward to coming out of this soon and coming back into the fold. It may just be my ego in thinking that anyone will miss me, but if that is the case, then know that I thank you for your concern. For the last six months it has been my honor to serve my city and friends with my words and expertise, I will miss you all.

I hope to see you all again soon.